We do judge ourselves by our intentions and we do judge other people by the way they behave. Not really a fair system if we think about it. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings”…”Yes you did, I saw the way you acted.”
This may be so, person #1 saw the actions of person #2. But does that mean intentions behind that behavior were meant to hurt or harm? For example, what if someone cuts another off in a meeting by speaking more loudly. Is it possible that the person who felt offended didn’t know what the other’s intention was at the time: trying to make an impact on the conversation to show value to the senior boss at the table…motivated by a potential promotion.
The individual who interrupted wasn’t even thinking about the other person at the table in negative way…wasn’t even thinking about them, literally? Nope. It is like being cut-off on the highway and taking it personally…we do because it happened to us but do you think the poor driving display was done by someone who knew your name?
Sometimes the only way to know someone’s intention behind their behavior is to do the uncomfortable…ask them. Yet, with rising sensitivity and stagnated conflict-communication skills, we just stick with the story in our head. Don’t do that. Use a disarming statement after you pull them aside at an appropriate time, like:
“Would it be okay to ask you a question?”
“I know how much you value respect at our meetings…”
“I don’t think you intended this at our meeting but I wanted to check in with you.”
There are lots of ways to follow up, it just takes care, spending the prep time and the desire to improve your organization one conversation at a time. Remember, when we hear something we don’t like, step back, breath and consider what their intention might be, first.
Much love,
Dave
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