The fact is that people code their communication in many ways. Sometimes people code their language without even having a nefarious intent…we all use different words based on our lifetime of experiences. So it could be easy to decode what someone is saying incorrectly because we have a different definition of that word. And then we must remember that when someone says something we have a general tendency to assign the worst possible meaning…and we do this at lightening speed. One way we code is by speaking in opposites. Think about this expression, “Behind every complaint there is a...
Request. Yup, a request. Think about it, we use complaint language often to ‘code’ our real desires.
“We won’t make the deadline” = A request for more time
“That person won’t like me” = A request to be accepted
“I don’t like broccoli” = A request for a different vegetable
“That isn’t fair!” = A request for equity, fairness or consistency.
The key thing is that we have to unlock, peel back, uncover the real request behind someone’s complaint language and we will be better able to help them, even when they don’t request it themselves, outright, in a positive way. We can hope (which isn’t a method) for people to always present it in a good way yet we need to prepared to do the work behind uncovering what they want or need so all parties benefit.
Much love,
Dave
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